Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Abandonment Complex
One time when I was about three or four years old, I was walking along the street with my family looking in the store windows, when suddenly I was alone. No family, no one I knew. I don’t remember much about this time. I must have been picked up by a friendly policeman. I remember being in the police station on a tall stool and being handed a chocolate bar, perhaps to stop me from crying. I was too small to drive a car, to buy food, to cook, to bath myself. What could I do without my family? My Dad eventually showed up and took me home.
This incident has affected my whole life as well as the lives of others. I don’t recall this thought at the time but I must have thought that I was not good enough to be a part of my family, because I have always felt an abnormal need to please others. I have reconstructed the time directly following that incident by asking other members of my family about it. I am quite sure that if anyone was worried about me they didn’t allow me to know about it. They said, "Oh you and your brother were always getting lost. You probably just wanted those chocolate bars." (Eating chocolate always makes me feel apprehensive.) I belive that nothing was said like, “We were so worried about you. We love you so much. We don’t want anything bad to happen to you.
I have decided to host my own welcome home party for myself. The only people invited will be my dog and my cat and my imaginary little self. That little self that still doesn’t understand that she doesn’t have to be perfect to be acceptable. First I will welcome her home and tell her all the things I needed to hear, but never heard:
“You are so precious to me. I love you so much. It was an accident leaving you there. I didn’t mean to leave you all alone. Welcome home. Are you hungry? What would you like to eat? I’m so glad that I found you. I’m glad that you are alright. I was so worried about you!”
Then I will take her into my arms and hug her and not let her go until she says, “Mommy please let me go.” Then I will know that she is alright. We will have a nice day and she will always know how precious she was.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Crow Street
Monday, October 15, 2007
Back Yard
Thursday, September 13, 2007
The Luckiest Dog in the World
He didn’t start out so lucky; he was a back yard dog. He would get loose sometimes and one day the mailman who loved dogs, who just happened to be my husband, brought him home. His name was Lucky. He was an expensive looking yellow lab; we couldn’t keep him so I took him back, and he went back to being a backyard dog. Then one day he disappeared from that backyard and reappeared in some kind hearted old man’s front yard. He was loose yet he didn’t seem inclined to go back home. The mailman who loved dogs brought him home again. This time for keeps. He changed his name to Buddy. Now the mailman is gone; all his other dogs are gone too. Buddy is an old dog now, at least in years. But his step is young. Every day he plays fetch on a grassy field near where we live. He fetches until he is panting hard. Then he allows me to come home. He won’t let me skip a single day. He does it all for me; he believes that I love to play fetch. But I know the truth: he is the luckiest dog in the world.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
The Crow
I often take my dog over to a grassy area shaded by large trees to play fetch. Once while we were there I noticed a flock of crows flying together from tree to tree. They would sit and talk for a while then go to another tree. Then as if a decision had finally been made they all flew off in the same direction. I noticed that two crows were still in one of the trees. They “chatted” back and forth for a while then one flew off in the same direction as the others, leaving the other one alone. It sat on the branch the whole time we were there. I wondered why it was just sitting there.
I remembered once seeing some smaller birds harassing a crow, I assumed, to get it to leave their nesting area. At another time, with another dog that I sometimes walked in that same area with, the crows would dive down at him whenever we appeared. I’m not sure, but I believe that this was not a friendly gesture on their part. Quite often crows are seen all alone. Yet I couldn’t help but wonder what made this crow stay there separated from its clan. I was concerned that it was injured. Then as I was about to leave it swooped down gracefully and headed off in the same direction the other crows had taken.
Why did it stay there? Had it had an argument with the rest of the crows? Was it angry, or sad about something? Did it just need to be alone for a while? Whatever was the reason, it had triggered something deep within me that I call my separation complex.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
The Squirrel
I was sitting on my couch eating my customary supper, a huge salad, when I noticed my squirrel friend watching me. He sat and watched me for a little while. Then he climbed down the post and immediately came back with some elm seeds which he munched on. Every once in a while he would go back down the post to get himself some more seeds. Then would sit there eating them, pensively looking at me. It seemed to me as if we were sharing a peaceful meal together.
Ants
And why do they come up to the surface? To fill their livers with vitamin D (do ants have livers?) To get fresh air? They don’t seem to eat any of the plants so it can’t be to get fresh vegetation. Until someone enlightens me on this subject, it will remain a mystery to me.